


for the hope of it all

by opus (travelingsymphony)



Series: a year in writing [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Unhealthy/Ambiguous Relationship, shadows look blue when they rest on snow, yes that is an important tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29102613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/travelingsymphony/pseuds/opus
Summary: And it always starts like this.From: gyu12:34: Okay I’ll come up(Or, how far would you go for someone who is just out of reach?)
Relationships: Kim Mingyu/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: a year in writing [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135334
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	for the hope of it all

**Author's Note:**

> i decided to challenge myself this year by writing something every month. originally i wanted each work to be around 5K words, but here we are with this monster. i really have no words for this fic (queue the lack of tags) other than i hope it makes each reader feel... something. 
> 
> title is from _august_ by taylor swift. enjoy.

  


  


And it always starts like this.

 **From: gyu**  
12:34: Okay I’ll come up

Minghao catches the text from the corner of his eye. He blinks, trying to figure if the hours he has spent looking at his laptop has distorted his vision enough to give him false hope (hope isn’t the right word but it is the only one that comes immediately to mind). 

But when his sight clears of useless equations and blue light, the text stays. 

“I’ll come up.” Minghao quietly reads to himself. And as much as he wishes for a smile to stretch across his face, his mouth can only form into a straight line. 

It’s really all his fault anyway.

  


  


“Hey, uh I just wanted to let you know Mingyu is visiting Saturday and staying over. If that’s cool.” 

Soonyoung peers up from his phone with a look of surprise on his face. He sits in the corner of their couch that can barely fit the both of them. Blankets surround him like a castle and Minghao wishes he is the one covered rather than shifting his body weight from one foot to the other. 

“Mingyu, huh.” One of Soonyoung’s eyebrows lifts as if he is confused. Minghao stops himself from physically rolling his eyes knowing it is more of a sign of amusement. He says Mingyu’s name as if it has gone stale in his mouth, maybe it has. 

_This is always the hardest part, you know this._ “I know the three of us haven’t hung out in a while—”

“Since freshman year of high school is not exactly what I would call ‘a while.’” His friend’s words are heavy on Minghao’s ears, even with the playful tone attached to them along with silly air quotes. 

“Is it okay or not?” He asks with annoyance. It shouldn’t be that hard to talk about, but when has it not been? At this point, Minghao just wants the conversation to be over. 

He can’t remember a single easy conversation whenever Mingyu’s involved. Not even with his own mother for God’s sake. 

“Well seeing that it is Thursday, I’m guessing you already told him yes so…?” 

Minghao swallows. He asked (not really) Mingyu to come up on Monday. The other agreed on Wednesday. 

“I’ll tell him he has to find somewhere else to crash if you don’t want him here.” Is all that he says. 

Soonyoung’s smile is enough of a response. It’s warm and Minghao wants to slap himself for ever really doubting him. If anyone would be okay with Mingyu visiting, it’s him.

  


  


**To: gyu**  
10:19: it’s going to snow this weekend. 

**From: gyu**  
11:30: No way  
11:31: Might just have to…  
11:31: Come up 

**To: gyu**  
11:35: you know you want to.

 **From: gyu**  
11:39: I have exams next week though ):  
11:40: But I have never seen snow fall sooo

 **To: gyu**  
11:42: wait really?  
11:42: you have to come up.  
11:43: you HAVE to come up!!!

 **From: gyu**  
14:56: Haha we’ll see

  


  


Minghao closes his eyes as he feels nails scratch at his scalp. 

The living room is dark, not even the moon can filter into the room with the blinds closed. He relaxes against the touch and finds comfort in Junhui’s bony lap. Jun hums above him as he scrolls through Reddit posts. 

“I didn’t have to come over tonight, you know?” Jun’s voice is soft, almost as soft as the blanket he gifted him the previous Christmas. Minghao thumbs the fabric that is placed snugly against his chest and brings it closer to his face. 

_If you didn’t, I would’ve eaten myself into a metaphorical hole by now._

He sighs as a response instead. Minghao moves around and accidentally elbows Jun in the stomach. The older gasps, but Minghao ignores him as he places his head back on his lap to look up at the ceiling. 

His alarm is already set for 9AM rather than noon, yet it doesn’t seem early enough. 

Mingyu said he was going to leave their hometown around 5. He made sure to tell Minghao to not worry about him, that he could walk around on campus and get breakfast by himself. No need to wake up any earlier than what he usually does. 

“I can’t really believe I am gonna finally meet him, after all the talking you’ve done.” 

And it reminds Minghao of a time when Jun was talking to him months ago, sitting side by side as the play _Animal Crossing_ on Soonyoung’s Switch, about how Mingyu doesn’t feel like a real person to him. 

Not exactly a ghost or a figment of his imagination, more like a shadow. A looming one at that. Minghao still thinks it is the perfect word to describe him; _a shadow._

“I’m nervous.” Minghao admits to the dark like it could comfort him in any way. It never does. 

Jun’s fingers still in his hair. 

“I know you are.” The older pats his head as if he was a pet, Minghao glares at him for a moment before bringing his attention back to the blank ceiling; he sees nothing but black, even with the tv on.

“You just… never know with him I guess.” _You’ll never know,_ a voice that doesn’t sound like his own echoes in Minghao’s head and he tries to ignore it. 

“All you need is a goodnight’s rest Hao, don’t wanna look more sunken in than you usually do.” 

Minghao purposefully slaps Jun on the chest hard enough for the older to wheeze. He can hear Jun’s shirt shift as he rubs his lungs clear. Minghao smiles as he whines. 

_This is what friends are for._

  


  


And he cleans, and cleans, and cleans until his fingers get dried out enough to possibly crack. 

Minghao woke up on Wednesday morning and drove to the store after he got an email from his professor about class being canceled. He had nothing else to do for the day anyway, at least that is what he tells himself. 

He grabs disinfectant, mirror and shower cleaner; he doesn’t even flinch at the price when he pulls his credit card through the machine like he usually does. 

_Worst comes to worst, he doesn’t come and I have a clean bathroom for the first time in months,_ Minghao thinks as he scrubs the bathtub. 

His knees ache after being pressed against the wooden floor but he ignores it for the time being. The grim feels almost slimey against his hands. The regret Minghao has for never cleaning grows each minute he has to take to try and get rid of the ring around his toilet. 

It’s disgusting and it makes him feel awful, but that isn’t the point. This isn’t about him being lazy, he swears. It is just… everything else. 

Hair and dust comes off the floors as he sweeps. Minghao pulls it off with a grimace and tosses it in the already full trash can before putting the broom back into Soonyoung’s bathroom. The bathroom feels liveable for the first time since they moved in. 

Minghao tosses his hair back before running a hand through it. He doesn’t mind all that shit from the floors, sink, and toilet getting into his hair. He is going to take a shower after this anyway. 

He pulls at the ends of his hair and thinks it is about time to get a haircut, but feels like he has grown too attached to the look. 

When he looks around, his hope for Mingyu to come skyrockets. The bathroom glistens and smells like the seashore if it was sweet scented, even the handles sparkle in the light. 

If he doesn’t come, well this is just embarrassing now. How Minghao would do anything to make it look like he has pulled himself together since the last time he saw the other. 

He really hasn’t though, pulled himself together that is because something still sinks in him every time Mingyu’s name pops up on his phone. 

Minghao doesn’t want to call it shame, but it is a feeling closely related to that. Shame that he is _here,_ when he could’ve been somewhere else. Somewhere better.

  


  


Jun links his arm with Minghao’s as they walk. 

The wind is picking up, clouds are rolling in low to the ground and Minghao knows it will be dark soon. It is impressive how quite a beautiful day can go to a gloomy one. 

His denim jacket tugs with every step they take and Minghao worries the cheap paint job he did on it will continue to chip off. One of his hands stays in a pocket and the other clutches his phone. Minghao checks _again_ if his phone is on vibrate instead of silence, just in case. 

“God can you stop fidgeting, you look like a lunatic.” Jun huffs as they pass the science building. The glass windows that cover the whole building reflect rainbows whenever the sun gets a second to peak out of the clouds. 

Minghao nods but he really isn’t paying attention. He has an AirPod in and his head whips every direction trying to find a familiar build in the crowd of students, but alas he does not. 

They continue to walk and at this point, Minghao might just drop Jun off at his apartment and find Mingyu by himself (even though the whole purpose of Jun leaving his own apartment before noon on a weekend was to meet— whatever). 

The two of them finally stop at a bus stop right in front of the bookstore of their university to check their bearings. Well, mostly Minghao’s. 

His eyes wander over the dead grassy field as he taps his shoe on the cracked pavement and that is when his eyes lock on a hunched over form. 

Minghao unlocks his phone with shaky fingers, Jun tilts his head. 

“He is the one in the green pants.” Minghao says as he types out a message. Jun lets out a noise of understanding.

 **To: gyu**  
11:16: i’m at the bus stop with a friend. i’m in all black. 

He watches Mingyu open the message and it is almost weird to see someone you haven’t touched bases with in almost a year right before your eyes. Minghao is able to see Mingyu get up and brush his clothes off. 

Watch him pull his backpack on his shoulders a little higher and fix his hair as they walk towards each other. 

Jun walks (skips) behind Minghao and stays there as Mingyu and him embrace. The hug is short lived but just as comforting as Minghao could remember. The feeling of the other’s heartbeat against his ear as he curls his head underneath Mingyu’s chin. 

“Mingyu this is Junhui-ge. Jun,” Minghao motions a hand. “Mingyu.”

Minghao looks into Mingyu’s eyes for the first time that day and they glow. But really, when haven’t they?

He watches his two most important friends shake hands and it feels weird to bring worlds together that have never even crossed paths before. Jun exits promptly with a smile and wave. Mingyu watches him go and lightly giggles. 

“That was quick, he is quite nice.” His voice sounds foreign and Minghao wonders when the last time he heard him speak was. 

Maybe his mom was right, they should get into talking on the phone. 

“He wanted to meet you, but has a strict ‘don’t fuck with me before 2PM’ rule so he was just walking back to his.” Minghao says as they start to walk towards the parking garage Mingyu’s car is in. 

“Maybe I’ll be able to talk to him more than a couple seconds next time.” Mingyu nudges Minghao, causing him to let out a tight laugh. 

Paint falls from his jacket, scattering behind him in the growing wind, but he doesn’t even notice. 

Right, next time (but Minghao knows better than to get his hopes up).

  


  


“The next time you copy my homework can you at least make it look like you didn’t.” Minghao hisses under his breath, sitting down at his desk with more force than necessary. 

Mingyu laughs loudly causing a couple heads of their peers to turn and look at them with annoyance. Minghao wants to sink into his seat and pull his hoodie up (dress code says no), but of course Mingyu sits up _taller._

“Come on, Ms. Lee isn’t that scary. She was the one to email me remember, at least she just pulled you after class.” 

Minghao rolls his eyes. He has a very specific way of doing his vocab homework so it wasn’t that hard to pick up that Mingyu copy and pasted it word for word. If he could see red when it came to the other, then he would be steaming by now. 

“I threw your ass under the bus.” He mutters as he pulls out his notebook. Doodles cover the pages more than his notes, one looks strangely similar to the person sitting right next to him. 

Mingyu doesn’t even bother to notice, instead he looks at Minghao like he already knows that he did in fact blame Mingyu for the whole ‘misunderstanding’. 

They sit side by side in class and kick at each other’s shins. Their teacher looks at them with distasteful eyes after the event that happened yesterday and Mingyu just smiles at her and waves until she averts her gaze. 

_If Soonyoung could see us now. I wish Mingyu still wore neon so I could at least embarrass him half as much as he does to me,_ Minghao all but moans in his head as he puts it in his hands. 

“Stop being such a worrywort and live a little.” Mingyu flips his pencil around until it drops on the ground. 

Minghao leans down to pick it up the second it drops; when he is sitting straight again, he sees that Mingyu didn’t even move to grab it. 

“I just want to make it out of high school, alive if that is alright with you.” Minghao places the pencil on the other’s desk and forces his attention away. He hopes his cheeks aren’t as pink as they feel. 

“You were more fun when you were still afraid to say tongue twisters in Korean.” He hears Mingyu pout as they take notes. 

Minghao wonders what kind of fun Mingyu can even remember from yesterday, let alone 3 years ago.

  


  


**From: gyu**  
16:22: My car isn’t even four wheel drive  
16:23: What if I get stuck and can’t get home

 **To: gyu**  
16:24: it is only supposed to snow a couple inches.  
16:24: which means you should be fine.

 **From: gyu**  
16:49: I have exams next week  
16:50: Two of them at that

 **To: gyu**  
16:51: you don’t have to come up really.  
16:52: i just think it would be fun.

 **From: gyu**  
17:01: No no you’re right. It would be

  


  


Soonyoung snorts out his water when Mingyu starts doing SpongeBob impressions. Mingyu has managed to make Minghao’s childhood best friend laugh more in 30 minutes than he has the past 2 years. 

“You know, I wumbo, you wumbo. He, she, me wumbo. Wumbo, wumboing, we'll have thee wumbo. Wumborama. Wumbology, the study of wumbo? _It's first grade SpongeBob!_ ”

Minghao laughs freely. Normally he will cover his face when he laughs because of how his teeth stick out and his tendency to snort, but instead he slaps the couch as his lungs heave. Soonyoung sputters as Mingyu shamelessly dedicates himself to the role. 

Mingyu sits on one of their bar stools, mirroring Soonyoung and Minghao who are squished on the couch. He is supposed to be studying for his upcoming exams that he was ‘so worried about’ only days ago, but instead Mingyu scrolls through _IMDb_ in search for the best cartoon quotes of all time. 

His voice fluctuates, growing as big or small as he wishes as he continues to distort himself until he becomes the characters of the most popular kids show of the 2000s. 

“I don’t think I can do Mr. Krabs.” Mingyu says while giggling. He opens his mouth to try and Minghao is already laughing before he even gets a word out. 

Soonyoung waves a hand as he puts the other on his chest. Tears are running down the older’s face and he begs for Mingyu to stop before he pisses himself. 

“Fucking save me, you are so good at that. Too good even what the fuck.” Soonyoung breathes in gulps, air entering his lungs at the speed of light as he tries to get his bearings again. 

“Thank you. It takes a lot of stupid practice, but here we are.” Mingyu bows while staying seated and Minghao just smiles at him. 

When the other leaves to use the bathroom (thank God Minghao cleaned it), Soonyoung looks at Minghao like he is the one who grew two heads. 

“What the fuck was that?” Soonyoung laughs as he shakes his head in utter confusion. 

Minghao definitely can’t remember the last time Soonyoung and Mingyu were in the same room as each other. But in all honesty, he is just as confused as Soonyoung is. 

“I don’t know.” Minghao knows he looks as shocked as he feels. 

He thinks about all the guys and girls Soonyoung has brought back to their apartment, how they always go into his bedroom and shut the door. It’s not like Minghao thought that was what he was going to do with Mingyu, but it kind of feels nice to share space with someone else for once. 

It’s nice to feel like being friends with Mingyu isn’t this icky thing that settles in Minghao’s chest, even if the feeling only lasts for a moment.

  


  


Every time they go out to eat, they are _always_ given one bill. 

Minghao sighs when their waiter sets the bill in front of Mingyu. But he puts on a brave face, smiling at the man who looks almost too pleased as he walks off with a pep in his step. 

“I brought cash if you wanna put your card down.” Mingyu says as he grabs his wallet from his beat up jacket that looks like it is going to fall apart the next time water touches it. 

The morning breeze chills Minghao’s bones and tossels Mingyu’s hair. Minghao watches as his brown hair moves ever so slightly in the wind, giving the other an airbrushed look which isn’t fair at 8AM. 

Minghao fumbles from his own wallet; he pulls out his card and places it down at the same time as Mingyu puts his bills on the table. Their hands meet each other, but Mingyu pulls away fast enough to make it all feel like it was a dream. 

It leaves Minghao feeling flushed and uncomfortable so keeps his hands off the table for the rest of their stay, thinking they are somehow safer in his lap. 

When their waiter comes back, he frowns. Maybe he looks at Minghao with an apprehensive look, but he ignores the man to instead take an obviously too large sip from his orange juice. 

Minghao’s card is returned and Mingyu gets his change. He can see the other count his coins and realize that he doesn’t have enough to leave a tip, something that Minghao is always guilty of when paying with cash. 

“Hey can you—” 

“Already ahead of you.” Minghao cuts Mingyu off with a smirk as he waves the receipt with a joint tip already written down. Not like it is going to break the bank or anything. 

“Thanks, you’re the best.” Mingyu smiles big and God, it’s beautiful. 

_You’re beautiful,_ Minghao’s mind wanders as they walk to Mingyu’s car. His hair is a mess and is in dire need of a haircut, but it reminds Minghao of past summer days and monsoon storms. 

His one necklace gleams in the morning sun. Minghao plays with the abundance of rings on his fingers and wonders if Mingyu also prefers silver jewelry, but it feels too stupid to ask. 

So Minghao keeps it to himself along with the continuous spiral of thoughts that only repeat: _beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, you, you, you—_

They drive back to Minghao’s house and talk about college applications. It’s all in vague terms as neither have even started writing the essays they need to. But that doesn’t mean Minghao doesn’t know where he is going to end up, because he does. 

And it is nowhere near where Mingyu is going to end up, but he doesn’t say that, not yet. 

Mingyu pulls up onto Minghao’s driveway. Minghao doesn’t dare to move when the other pats the top of his hand, “Tell your parents hi. Let’s hang out soon.”

Minghao nods with a smile, his mom will _love_ to hear that. He unbuckles himself and gets out of the car. When he shuts the door, he has the urge to open it and make a nest in the red sedan like an unwanted critter. 

Instead he waves as Mingyu drives away. Standing outside in the middle of the morning on a weekend like a fucking idiot for way too long. 

_Let’s hang out soon._

The next time Minghao even hears from Mingyu is 4 months later.

  


  


It starts to snow right as the sun is setting. 

Soonyoung, Minghao, and Mingyu are watching a football match as it starts to fall. Minghao doesn’t even notice it until Mingyu gets off of Rhian, their resident stuffed rhino that lives on the middle of their living room floor, and moves towards the window. 

His eyes light up as he presses himself against the glass that must be freezing to the touch. Minghao lets himself watch Mingyu smile to himself as he sees snow fall for the very first time. 

He hopes he doesn’t have a stupid look on his face right now, but he has an aching feeling that he does. Mostly because Soonyoung elbows him in the chest, causing him to blink and look away. 

“It’s beautiful.” Mingyu whispers, his palm pressed against the window as if he is going to fall out even though it is completely shut. 

_There is really no competition when it comes to you,_ Minghao’s mind has no reason to come up with a bullshit statement like that, but he still has to bite his tongue from saying it outloud. 

He forces his attention back on the match playing quietly in front of them, a team scored and he hadn’t even noticed (to be fair though, no one did). 

“It is until your car is covered in it and Minghao spins out because he has no clue how to drive even under perfect conditions.” Soonyoung laughs as Minghao tries to slap him with a spare pillow. 

Amongst the laughter erupting from the older and Minghao trying to suffocate him, Mingyu’s voice settles into the far corners of the apartment but is just loud enough for Minghao to catch. 

“I want to move here so bad.”

Minghao tenses at the words, gripping the decorative pillow that was once a weapon against Soonyoung now as if it is a security blanket. It feels like he wasn’t supposed to hear him say that, for how quiet it was. 

Mingyu… wants to move, here? 

And Minghao can see it clear as day. Mingyu sitting on the university buses with his hoodies and sweats that fit in way too well with the student body. He can picture him under the orange streetlights that control light pollution, but would probably make him look too good for it to be fair. 

He can imagine Mingyu in the library, at the bars, and in every restaurant across town. Minghao can almost feel him in the forest. 

If anyone belongs here, it isn’t Minghao with his too weird clothes, his lack of care for the outdoors, and his weakening heart. 

And God he wishes he was the snow, the thing he hates the most because it is too cold, too wet, and too in the way. But if being snow means Mingyu looks at him like he is the most valuable thing in the world then… shit, snow it is. 

But really, Minghao will always be more of a summer person.

  


  


“The food is like _really_ good, wow.” Mingyu exclaims with a mouth full of ramen. 

Minghao nods as he slurps down his noodles. Soonyoung has stuffed his face to the brim where he doesn’t even hear the other two talk. 

They sit in front of the bar, but none of them order anything to drink. The drinks here are way too expensive and their meals are already racking up dollars as it is. That didn’t stop Mingyu from ordering two appetizers though, saying that it was making up from the lunch they all decided to skip. 

The restaurant is lively with students and residents alike. They had to wait outside for a bit which Minghao should’ve expected. He sat in between Soonyoung and Mingyu when a couple left to be seated. 

Minghao hates being cold because it always seems like he can never get warm once he is. He shivered enough for his teeth to chatter and his glasses to fog up, but when Mingyu pressed his side into him, it didn’t seem so bad. 

All in all, it was sort of okay sitting outside for just a bit, he was able to watch Mingyu touch the falling snow. 

Even though his feet will never get warm again, it was definitely worth it. 

Minghao gets halfway done with his ramen before he starts to feel sick. He blames it on being too full from all the water he drank earlier that day (stress drinking is something he needs to get over sooner than later). 

But he knows deep down it is actually the anxiety that always comes along whenever Mingyu is in his presence. It makes him feel like an idiot. 

However no one questions why he pushes his food around for the rest of their stay. They take their time eating and pay the bill separately. Each of them are given their own checks and Minghao wonders if that is because Soonyoung is with them then destroys the thought immediately. 

He pays in cash and doesn’t ask Mingyu to cover the tip, he bought extra food for them anyway. 

They walk back to the apartment. It’s cold as shit and the cars driving past them don’t help with the extra wind. Minghao shakes in his snow jacket and he wonders what else he could possibly wear to keep some warmth on him. 

Maybe Mingyu notices (maybe he doesn’t) but the taller man does move to the side of the sidewalk that is closest to the cars on the road. Minghao keeps his eyes forward and tries not to break eye contact with the cement as they continue to walk. Doesn’t want to trip, you know? 

Soonyoung and Mingyu talk about classes and the older’s favorite places to party. Mingyu drinks in his words like a freshman at their first lecture. Minghao listens along quietly, wondering how someone could find the town Minghao placed himself in more interesting than himself. 

But he does remember how Mingyu reacted when Minghao told him he was going to school 3 hours away, deep in the forest with graveyards all around (seriously). 

And the only word that comes to mind is _longing._

  


  


**From: gyu**  
14:22: Can I sleep on your couch?

 **To: gyu**  
14:23: i’ll get you an air mattress if you come up.

 **From: gyu**  
14:23: Hahaha you don’t need to do that  
14:23: Couch will work fine

 **To: gyu**  
14:25: idk man the couch kinda fucking sucks and well.  
14:25: you’re huge. 

**From: gyu**  
14:26: D: Take that back!!!

 **To: gyu**  
14:26: it’s the truth!!! you are fucking tall!  
14:27: i can’t even sleep on that couch.

 **From: gyu**  
14:27: Of course you can’t string bean

  


  


There really is something about being 14, stupid, and being stupidly 14 in a completely new country. 

“ _Woah dude_ you okay?” 

Minghao huffs to himself, ass on the ground and cheeks red like bruising roses. Students rush past him without a second thought, but at least he isn’t getting trampled anymore due to _someone_ stopping. 

He looks up just to go cross eyed; a large hand straight in front of his face that distorts the already blurry world. 

“Yeah I’m okay, just tripped on my shoelace.” Minghao mutters in heavily accented Korean. He cringes at his voice, he sounds so… meek. Much more than he does in his mother tongue which bothers him more than it should. 

Minghao takes the hand in front of him, the boy pulls him up from the floor with no effort whatsoever that it almost makes them fall backwards due to the lack of restraint from Minghao. 

Once his feet are standing still (the stranger's hands arms around his biceps to make sure he doesn’t go ass over tea kettle again), he finds his tone a little more. 

“Uh can you help me find my glasses, they must have fallen off when I went down…” Minghao trails off when the boy shoves his glasses towards him. 

“You have to be pretty clumsy to lose two things in one go, balance and all that.” The boy laughs, but Minghao can tell it isn’t at him which is nice. 

The boy’s laugh is nice too. 

“I’m Kim Mingyu, I haven’t seen you here before. New?” Mingyu smiles with his teeth. His voice is soothing and he has just a slight lisp that is endearing to the ear. 

“Xu— Seo Myungho, moved here from China over the break period.” He tugs his backpack a little higher on his shoulder just so he can do something instead of standing like an idiot. 

“That’s so cool! I could tell you were a foreigner, with the accent and clothes—” _wait, what’s wrong with my clothes?_ “You can hang out with me at lunch if you want?” 

“Don’t you have like, friends?” Minghao asks before he can actually process what he has said. 

His eyes widen at the statement and he is just about to take everything back with a rushed apology for his big mouth when Mingyu laughs again. 

“Nah man, it’s just me,” Mingyu points to his chest and claps a hand on Minghao’s shoulder, shaking him slightly. “It’ll be fun, I think we will get along real well.” 

And when Mingyu asks for Minghao to show him his schedule, Minghao tries to ignore all the looks the two of them are getting. He ignores the whispers of all their peers because they are speaking way too fast for him to understand anyway. 

He has a feeling, a sour one that he can’t quite figure out why he is feeling in the first place, that Mingyu has way more friends than, _it’s just me._

But it gets dulled out enough when Mingyu asks what his real name is.

  


  


Soonyoung goes in to take a shower once the last football match of the day ends, leaving Mingyu and Minghao alone in the living room. 

The tv is now playing reruns of MMA fights from the previous night and Minghao has no idea what is going on as he has never seen a professional fight like this before in his life, but Mingyu seems to know a thing or two. 

All the lights are off except for a lone lamp in the corner of the room. It casts a warm glow to the whole area around them and turns Mingyu’s skin golden. Minghao listens to him closely, trying to follow every word he says. 

He finds himself getting into the fights as they go on, but not enough for him to not notice how Mingyu yawns. 

It makes Minghao freeze in his own skin. Soonyoung is also an early riser, he has always preferred morning classes and so does Mingyu. Mingaho however has always been a night owl. 

Mingyu used to be this way, when did that change? When did 11PM become late? 

During a commercial, Minghao watches Mingyu go into his bedroom. He grabs a hold of the pillow he tried to suffocate Soonyoung with earlier and cradles it against his chest. Minghao closes his eyes and hears the shower running from Soonyoung’s bathroom; he hears his sink from his own bathroom. 

_He won’t fit on the couch,_ Minghao thinks to himself, squeezing his eyes shut as if that would magically make the couch larger. 

Mingyu must know this too now that he has seen the couch. Been able to look at it all day, hell, he was on the ground the majority of the time because the three of them couldn’t even fit on it just by sitting. 

While Minghao is tall and all, he isn’t wide in any way. Mingyu on the other hand is tall and broad, if he so much tried to turn around in his sleep, he would most definitely fall onto the wooden floor with a crash, bang, boom. 

But what was Minghao supposed to do? Invite him into his own bed, with him in it as well?

Putting two tall men in a full sized bed doesn’t sound like the best idea either. 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Minghao’s eyes open and his sight lands on Mingyu standing next to the couch before sitting right next him. His shirt is long sleeved and powdered blue, Mingyu wears the color well. 

“The couch is small.” Is all Minghao says, not really sure how else to put it. 

Mingyu looks at it before laughing, he runs a hand over the fake leather mindlessly.

“It is, but a deal’s a deal,” Mingyu shrugs. “Anyways, I can cuddle with Rhian.” 

Minghao stares at the stuffed rhino on the ground that has been getting comfy with Mingyu all day and can’t help, but feel dumb when an embarrassing amount of jealousy flushes through him. 

Soonyoung’s shower has been done for a while and Minghao can tell now that the older is not coming out for the rest of the night. 

Standing up from the couch, Minghao rubs his hands down on his sweats. He swallows before walking into his bedroom, but instead of closing the door like he should to leave Mingyu be, his mouth gets ahead of him like it always does. 

“Well, if the couch isn’t what it is all cracked up to be… you know where to find me.” Minghao’s voice doesn’t shake like he expected it to. 

In the near distance, Mingyu swallows before nodding. 

“Got it string bean.”

  


  


Minghao sits propped up in bed, AirPods in and his most recent purchase from the half priced bookstore laying in his lap. 

His glasses sit low on his nose as he flips through the stained pages. His rock salt lamp is easy on the eyes and he finds himself getting sleepy after an hour of reading. 

The apartment is quiet, he can tell even with his earphones in at half volume. He is happy that snow isn’t loud like hard rain because at least it doesn’t keep him up at night. But with Mingyu in his apartment, just a wall away, it causes Minghao’s anxiety to crawl and fuster. 

Because he knows what will happen after this. Mingyu will leave in the morning before the sun is even up and it will feel like a dream. 

He will leave and Minghao will be heartbroken when he goes. A piece of his heart attached to the man’s boots, getting crushed every step he takes as he walks further and further away. 

And he won’t hear from Mingyu for days, maybe weeks, or quite possibly months. He will know if Mingyu makes it back home and that will be all he hears from him for an unknown period of time. 

It’s scary everytime. Mingyu is his best friend, the one who welcomed him in a country that he never imagined calling home. They know each other like the back of their hands. They made promises: matching tattoos, first piercings, restaurants to try… 

But it never works out. Minghao got both his first tattoo and piercing alone, and went to all those restaurants with other boyfriends. It just never seems to match up for them, even after all this time. 

Mingyu is his best friend, but Minghao _loves_ him. 

Loving Mingyu is like loving something that just isn’t there anymore, no matter how much it feels like he is. It’s as if he is invisible, but Minghao can still see his breath in the dark. 

Minghao looks up from his book when he hears a shuffle from outside his room. He raises an eyebrow when he hears a groan and can only imagine Mingyu hitting his leg against the coffee table. 

There is a quiet knock on the bedroom door. _Too polite,_ Minghao thinks as he rolls his eyes. 

“Come in.” His voice is already gravelly from not using it. 

Mingyu waddles in just enough for half of his body to still be in the doorway. He bites his lip and scratches at the nap of his neck, looking more nervous than he should. 

“You were right… the couch does fucking suck.”

Minghao laughs at this, it isn’t strong or loud but enough for his body to rack up and down. 

“Told you so.” Minghao says once he calms down. He tries to stay calm, but he doesn’t really know what to do now that Mingyu is here. 

It sort of looks like Mingyu doesn’t know what to do either. 

“Come here.” Minghao settles with, it feels safe. Safe enough to at least lead Mingyu into a space where he won’t run off the second danger is near. 

Mingyu makes his way into the room, closing the door with a soft click before leaning back against it. He pushes himself off the wood after a moment of rest and Minghao shuffles to the side of his bed that is against the window. 

“Sleep here for the night.”

  


  


_All you have to do is tell him you can’t be friends anymore,_ Minghao tells himself as he waits in his car. 

The sky is gray with clouds and the pitter patter of raindrops on his windshield are the only things keeping him sane. He taps his pointer finger against the steering wheel in time to the music playing from his speakers as he waits in the parking lot of a new coffee shop. 

His knee starts bouncing up and down when he sees a familiar colored car. The red vehicle shines bright suddenly in his rearview mirror before turning in to park right next to him. 

He doesn’t even move his head to see the driver, well knowing who it is. Minghao could know who it is in feeling alone, he would know him in death if he had to. 

So when Mingyu raps his knuckles against the car, Minghao doesn’t even flinch. Instead he turns off his music then the car as his door is being opened. 

“Hey.” Mingyu says as if this isn’t the first time they are seeing each other in over a year and a half. 

“Hi.” Minghao smiles as he steps out of his car and underneath the other man’s umbrella. 

They walk side by side, elbows almost touching to stay dry under the small umbrella. The two of them make it into the coffee shop with no issues… other than seeing old friends from high school. 

Hansol, a boy who is more of a man now, comes up to Minghao while Mingyu orders. Minghao remembers when Hansol and him were the same height, oh how things change over time. 

And the first thing he says to Minghao is, “are you two…” _together?_

“No.” Minghao mumbles fast, not wanting to give the younger the wrong idea. 

“Oh… well it was nice seeing you hyung. Maybe we can catch up sometime?” Hansol smiles as he claps a hand on Minghao’s shoulder. 

Minghao nods knowing that it will never happen, it’s just what people say now-a-days. 

“See you.” He says as Hansol walks out with his other friends, they are laughing about something and Minghao is still stuck on why Hansol would even try to ask that question. He wonders how Hansol could be so _wrong._

He orders a dirty chai and sits down with Mingyu at a table for two. The coffee shop isn’t too busy, students are on break and no one in the right mind would be coming out during weather like this. 

They sip on their drinks and Minghao lets Mingyu talk for the time being. His nerves feel like they are on a livewire and he wants to be anywhere but here. Even after all this time, almost halfway through their relative colleges, Mingyu is just the same. If not a little better. 

“So how is school, it’s a beautiful campus.” Mingyu comments and Minghao remembers how often Mingyu would visit his town during freshman year. How he would never see Minghao while he was there. 

_“Can’t ditch my friends, you know?”_

“It’s… it’s school.” Minghao says with lackluster care, not really sure what to say about a place that will never feel like the home Mingyu created the city they are in right now. 

“I just… I’m sorry but,” Minghao sighs before Mingyu can respond. “I don’t think this is working out.”

“What?” Mingyu asks, confusion clear on his face. 

“It’s too hard, you know? Being friends.” _How you will go days with responding to my messages, dodging me everytime I ask to hang out when we are both back home, how you act like you don’t even care._

“Well we live 3 hours from each other, it wasn’t going to be the same.” Mingyu counters with, but he doesn’t sound angry. If anything, he sounds tired like this isn’t the first time he has had this conversation. 

“I know and I didn’t expect it too,” _but you have always been like this and it isn’t enough anymore._ “It’s just… not enough I guess.” 

Mingyu gives him a look and it reminds Minghao of the sour feeling he got when he first met him. 

“What can I do to make it better?” He asks and when he hears the word better, Minghao can only translate it to manageable. 

How can they make this more manageable. 

But Mingaho doesn’t want manageable. He wants Mingyu here, there, everywhere. He wants Mingyu by his side in the Starbucks lines, wants Mingyu in the seat right next to him in the movie theater, wants Mingyu across the table from him at every restaurant. 

He wants Mingyu in his home, his heart, his bed— he wants everything. 

Manageable? It will never be enough. 

“You could… we could text more? Be more open about our communication.” _Tell him to call,_ his mother’s voice rings in his ears but he ignores it. 

Calling… that doesn’t seem manageable at all. 

“I know I suck at texting and I’m sorry, it has never been my thing but I will try to be better at responding.” Mingyu doesn’t plead, but his eyes hold tight on Minghao’s gaze. 

Minghao just stares at Mingyu’s phone that is on the table, it is face down. 

“I just don’t want to go months,” _at this point, years._ “Without seeing you.” 

“I know, but things are different now. School is school, it won’t be like high school anymore. You’re there and I’m… I’m here.” Minghao doesn’t want to read into how sad Mingyu sounds when he speaks about the distance between them. 

But Minghao also knows that Mingyu wishes he went to the school he did because he likes the isolation in the forest more than the busyness of the city. 

“I know.” _But not talking to you feels like winter is never going to end. Why do I have to beg for summer to come?_

Minghao learns new things that night: Mingyu’s relationship with his current girlfriend is falling apart, his grades are plummeting and he is going to change majors, and if he can’t find the love of his life by the time college ends then he is going straight into the military. 

He also learns that Mingyu looks at his fingers when he is twirling his rings around and learns that maybe, _just maybe_ Mingyu isn’t ready to let go either.

  


  


Minghao has had sleepovers with friends in the past, of course he did. But when he hit his growth spurt and moved to a new country, he hasn’t spent the night in someone’s bed other than the times he has done anything _but_ sleep. 

He’s never been so close to Mingyu before. 

So when Mingyu picks up the covers from the other side of the bed, Minghao has to stop himself from gasping. It was his idea, it would be stupid of him to let out a sound of shock. 

Suddenly Minghao feels the need to busy himself so he takes off his glasses and puts them down before turning off the rock salt lamp. Darkness envelops them and Minghao can only hear the sound of his own heart beating and the steadiness of Mingyu’s own breaths. 

It is impossible for them not to touch, the bed isn’t big enough for two grown men and Minghao knew that, _he knew that._ But Mingyu had to know that as well. 

Minghao tries to settle down by wrapping himself in his blankets, he turns on his side so his back is facing the wall. Mingyu is looking right at him. 

“I didn’t want my alarm to bother you or anything, but the couch was just God awful.” Mingyu speaks in whispers, as if he can’t admit what he just said any louder. 

“Don’t worry about it, you would’ve had to wake me up anyways so I could lock the door after you left.” Minghao copies the sound of Mingyu’s voice. It feels safe. 

“And by getting my stuff out of your room…” Mingyu trails off by laughing at himself. 

“Yeah.” Minghao agrees before silence takes over them. 

Minghao thinks Mingyu falls asleep at some point, the other man’s eyes are closed and his breaths leave his body in rhythm. But his voice shocks Minghao back into reality, right after he closed his own eyes. 

“You know that you mean everything to me, right?”

Minghao inhales at the question and his heart feels like it is going to come out of his mouth. He almost wants to scream, how could he possibly know? How could he have ever known when Mingyu has never said anything to him before?

He keeps his eyes shut. 

“Of course I do.” He responds with a hum, trying to sound nonchalant about it even though he sort of wants to punch the other in the nose. 

“Of course you do.” Mingyu repeats back, but his voice is somehow softer this time around. 

When the back of the other man’s hand touches Minghao’s cheek, he has to stop himself from flinching away. His skin is soft compared to his own and for some reason he wants to cry at the touch. Even worse, he wants to curl up around it. 

He refuses to open his eyes now, afraid that if he does the moment will leave and Mingyu will turn around on him like he always does, intentional or not. 

But he doesn’t even have to do that because the warmth of Mingyu’s hand on his skin, the caress of it all doesn’t even last more than a fleeting moment. The touch is gone as soon as it came and Minghao didn’t have to do a thing. 

By the time Minghao finally opens his eyes, all he sees is the back of Mingyu’s head casting a shadow over his own.

  


  


An alarm goes off at 5AM and Minghao groans at the sound. 

He can’t remember falling asleep and he swears he never did, but as the alarm keeps going off, the more he realizes that he was absolutely knocked out. 

His bed moves and it isn’t because of him. He squints an eye open and sees Mingyu search for his phone underneath the pillows. The alarm is turned off quickly and Minghao lets out a sigh of relief. 

“Good morning.” Mingyu whispers in the dark as he gets out of bed. Minghao hums back and lets sleep take him over once again. 

He dreams of Mingyu putting a piece of his hair behind his ear before going off into the bathroom, and he wonders why it felt so real. 

Going in and out of a light sleep, Minghao can remember the bathroom light, the sound of water running, and the squeaking of boots hitting his floor. He sits up from bed, blankets pooling around him as he rubs his eyes, and smiles when Mingyu walks towards him. 

“I’m all set.” Mingyu speaks quietly and Minghao wants to sink into his voice. He has never heard him speak so… tenderly. 

Minghao gets out of bed with little trouble and doesn’t have energy to blush when he remembers that he went to bed in just a pair of boxers and a long t-shirt. Mingyu blushes enough for the both of them when Minghao’s bare legs enter his view. 

Mingyu’s sweatshirt feels gentle in Minghao’s hands as they walk through the apartment in the dark. It is a dangerous affair, but the other manages to get them to the front door without knocking over the trash can so Minghao calls it a win. 

He opens the front door and the yellow lights from the hallway touches Mingyu’s form. He is wearing heavy clothes to brace the snowy conditions outside while Minghao wears almost nothing at all. 

It all feels very… domestic. 

“Drive safe.” Minghao says hidden underneath a yawn. Mingyu smiles at his words. 

“Always do.” 

Mingyu opens his arms and Minghao falls into them. His arms wrap around the other man’s neck and he holds him like he never will again. This visit has taken so much out of Minghao, and he wishes for it to happen again, and again, and again until there is nothing left of him but a heart with a hole stamped through it. 

The hug is good, Mingyu has always given good ones, but it isn’t enough. 

Minghao pulls away and tells Mingyu to text him when he is home. His arms fall from Mingyu’s neck and he steps back to let him go. 

“Thanks for having me.” Mingyu speaks a little louder now and Minghao just nods. 

“Any time.” 

If they were together and things were different, this is the time they would say: _I love you, have a good day at work, come home soon so we can do this again and again._ But they aren’t together and things aren’t different. 

So Minghao watches Mingyu walk away until he turns the corner, holding himself the way he did on his driveway back home, and wonders if things will ever change well knowing they won’t. 

_Lock the door, back to bed, pull the covers up to my chin, rest again,_ Minghao thinks robotically; he does just that and nothing more.

  


  


**From: gyu**  
08:05: Made it back to the city  
08:05: Thanks for having me again  
08:06: I had a lot of fun  
08:23: Maybe next time we could go get you a haircut

 **To: gyu**  
11:10: thanks for coming! I had a lot of fun too.  
11:10: we will see about the hair lol.

  


  


Being home for the holidays didn’t feel all that good this year.

They pass like they always have, but Minghao couldn’t seem to get into the spirit of things. He doesn’t want to say that his attention to his phone grew as the days passed, but what can he say? He’s a sucker. 

After 6 weeks back home with nothing to show of it, Minghao feels as dumb as ever. 

He looks at his phone that sits on his desk, it feels oddly reminiscent of the time where he thought things could be different, fun, and new. Instead, the anxiety in his throat isn’t about the possibility of a shadow’s presence, but of the exams already starting to pile up. 

It’s snowing again, but in sheets this time. Minghao can’t see the apartments on the other side of the parking lot and he wishes it was raining. His car is going to be covered in the snow for days now and they are starting to run out of food. 

It hasn’t stopped snowing in days and he feels trapped in a mindset that begs him to be the snow, love the snow, _show him the snow._

Minghao picks up his phone and opens his message app just to hurt himself for it to be considered self-sabotage. He clicks on Mingyu’s contact and looks at the last message he sent to him. 

**To: gyu**  
23:02: i hope your finals went well and that you are enjoying your time off!  
23:02: if you happen to be in the city whenever, we should hang out.  
23:02: it would be nice to talk a little more. 

The message is left unread, even after being sent almost 2 months ago. But Mingyu hasn’t seemed to mind opening Minghao’s Snapchat stories or making new Spotify playlists. 

He didn’t even have hopes this time around, didn’t even expect things to go right when he knew they were going to go wrong so why does it still hurt? Why does it hurt every time even though he is used to it now?

It doesn’t make it right, but God when will it stop hurting less because it feels like it never will. After all these years, the feeling of utter betrayal never fades. 

Minghao locks his phone and puts it face down on his desk. He lets the sour feeling in his chest stay instead of forcing it out, he feels used in a way he hasn’t felt in a long while. And he feels angry and weak and— 

He feels like a _fool._

It’s really all his fault, it always is. For giving Mingyu an out every time he comes around, for letting him back in again and again to hurt almost more than the last time. For leaving his own guard down because… because he cares? Because he wants to? 

Because this parasitic relationship— _friendship_ —is all he can show for what he believes love looks like, _feels_ like?

He lets Mingyu make him feel dumb and stupid like an idiot with the words tattooed to his forehead for all to see except himself, but idiots learn their lessons at some point, right?

Minghao is just a fool.

Getting out of his desk chair and slamming it back in, Minghao all, but throws himself into his bathroom to lock the door and fall to the floor as his face turns red with anger.

“I hate you, I hate you, _I hate you._ ” Minghao whispers to himself but the words ring in and out of his head as if he was screaming them. His hands grip the ends of his hair as he tries to make the locks grow longer once again. 

Why did he cut them? Why did he do that? There just isn’t enough of it, there isn’t enough anything anymore. 

There isn’t enough of anything to keep Minghao _here,_ so why is he here? Why does he stay? Why can’t he just fucking move on?

_“You know that you mean everything to me, right?”_

It’s frustrating. it’s cruel to have so many questions and so few answers. 

All of this over the sense of dread knowing that a shadow is attached to your ankles like a lead ball and chain; never to leave, always to follow. 

However, Minghao isn’t so sure if he knows who the shadow is anymore.

  


  


And it always starts like this.

 **From: gyu**  
01:01: I’m transferring colleges at the end of the semester

  


  


**Author's Note:**

> i hope this fic felt like a fever dream more than anything, maybe it was.
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/travelingsymphony)


End file.
